I’d Like A Stock Market Refund Please

I’d Like A Stock Market Refund

 

I’m a new investor and I’m not sure how this works.  But, I’d like a refund.

And I’m not one of those people who buys a dress to wear to a nice event and wears it once and then returns it.  For one thing, I’m a man and men don’t care that much about clothes.  Sometimes we buy clothes that don’t fit well and we keep them.  So, the fashion cartel makes a lot of extra money off of lazy men.  I dont know the exact figure, but I’m guessing it’s a lot. Bloomberg kind of money.

Right. The Refund

 

Any way, I opened my account and read a book by Peter Lynch about buying “what you know”.  So, I was going to buy Volvo stock since we grew up with Volvo station wagons and they’re very dependable cars.  They can be a little stuffy and old fashioned, but some of the newer models are nice.  But expensive.  Hey Volvo, everyone’s not made out of money you know.

Volvo stock.  The thing about Volvo stock as you know since you’re stock market people is that it’s a Swedish company and trades on the Swedish Exchange.  The ticker is like VOLVY.  Stock tickers in the US only have four letters because we don’t have the Metric system.  Which is fine.

Switching to the Metric system would be a big change and the Millenials don’t seem that bright.  Although they get a bad rap because some of them are very bright.  Especially the Starbucks Baristas, but they can be a bit condescending with all that knowledge and power.

 

So, I needed to look elsewhere for a stock.  So, I started thinking about Tesla.  But, I couldn’t get any information from your website about Tesla. Mostly, because  I was pronouncing it Tesler.  Not Tesla.  So, by the time I was ready to buy some, it was over $500 a share.  $500 a share! What?

And someone very wise told me never pay over $500 for a stock.  I think it was one of my teachers from fourth grade.  Mrs Aroesty or Mrs. Fine.  I always had a crush on Mrs. Fine because she was so beautiful, like a Disney Princess. Anyway, Tesla was out.

 

So, I looked elsewhere for a stock.

So, I got lazy and just followed Warren Buffett because you cant lose money following a Rich Old Guy from Omaha Nebraska.  Or so I thought.  He’s buying Kraft Heinz, so I’m buying Kraft Heinz.  And it goes down.  And keeps going down.  And this is way before Corona Virus.  Apparently, people don’t buy ketchup anymore.  I don’t know why.  It’s probably related to Paleo or Keto or Cross Fit.  No more Ketchup for the young people.

So, I decided I should go to Buffett’s party in Omaha and ask him about it.  But, turns out you cant go to the Buffet Woodstock for Capitalism thing as a Kraft/ Heinz shareholder.  You have to own Berkshire Hathaway which is like $3,100 for the happy meal shares and $300,000 for the SuperSize shares.  Which is kind of crazy.  And I just got sick of paying my lawyer $250 an hour to get to the bottom of it all.  I mean its Omaha Nebraska for god sake.  Its not like Coachella or Sara Bareilles.  Sara is very underrated.  She deserves  a larger following than those other singers.  They should’ve gone with her instead of J Lo and that stripper pole for the Super Bowl.  Don’t get me started on that.  Don’t.

Where was I?  Right the refund.

So, I lost about $77.12 not including the .45 stamp from when I opened my account.  And I’d be willing to accept an Amazon gift card, Starbucks gift card, or Gold Krugerrands.  I don’t want to escalate this matter by going to Channel 7 Bernie on your side, because he’s dealing with serious crimes like people getting ripped off for Wedding photos and such.

I guess I could go to Kraft Heinz but they’re probably going to offer me Ketchup packets.  And ketchup tastes different from a packet.  Its probably because the ketchup is old.  What am I saying?  You’re probably a young person who doesn’t eat Ketchup and have No idea what I’m talking about!

Anyway, how about that $77.12?